Curve Ball

Well, life has thrown a curve ball.... So let's rewind to June 10, 2015.

The News

We had just gotten home from a 9 hour drive from Destin, Florida. It was a wonderful vacation that Blake actually got to go to. We were unpacking our bags when I had a call from my Gynecologist office. I answered it, thinking that they were going to remind me to schedule a follow-up appointment from the hysteroscopy and D&C that I had done May 21. The call that I received was anything but what I was expected.
"Mrs. Balsano, we received your pathology results and we need you to come in now if you can."
Stunned, I said that she was scaring me and could she please tell me what is going on.
"Well, your pathology results came back showing a tumor that looks like it could be cancer. We need you to come in so that we can refer you to an oncologist immediately."
I told her I would be right there. I hung up the phone and asked Blake to come into the bedroom with me, the kids were in the living room. He came in and was like what's going on? I looked at him and busted out crying, choking out that the nurse had called and that they think I have cancer and they told me to come in immediately. Blake hugged me while I cried in disbelief and said okay, let's go, I'll drive.
Luckily my nephew, Cameron, was here so we left the kids with him and went to the dr. The entire car ride Blake held my hand and told me it was going to be okay. We walked into the dr's office and signed in and waited. We waited for 15 minutes, but it felt like an hour. My Dr finally came into the room, after what felt like an eternity, and went over the pathology report with me.
"Okay, your tissue sample was first looked over by the hospital lab, but they felt that something didn't seem right, so they sent it to mayo clinic for a review, so that's why it took so long for this to come in.  You have a tumor, the report doesn't state if it is benign or malignant, but the worst case scenario - you'll need a hysterectomy."
He patted my hand and told me that he was referring me to an oncologist gyno at MD Anderson.

A week later, I received a call from the Dr at MD Anderson's office. It took longer than usual to get in because Houston had flooded recently and the building that their office is in had flooded.

Consultation

On June 18, me and Blake made our way to the oncologist office. I was so nervous that I was sweating. When the Dr came in, my cheeks were burning hot because of how anxious I was feeling.
She explained to me that the Mayo Clinic report showed that I had an extremely rare tumor called an inflammatory myofibroblastic tumor, which is more or less a soft tissue tumor.  She said that because of it's rarity that she wanted MD Anderson labs to get a sample of the tissue for a second opinion.

 I understood her need for this and kind of expected it, but I hated that I would have to wait even longer to understand what was happening inside of my body. I did a ton of google research on the tumor that I may or may not have. Unfortunately it seems that there are many unknowns about this tumor so I couldn't get a good understanding about it. As I waited, I started to become hopeful that the Mayo Clinic was wrong.

Final Results

August 7 I finally went in for my final results. MD Anderson had found the same findings as Mayo Clinic. I had this rare tumor that was neither benign nor malignant, it was in-between. She explained that in all studies of this tumor, when it turns malignant it becomes extremely aggressive. She said that she did not want to take that chance with me and that I would need a total hysterectomy (removal of uterus and cervix) and fallopian tube removal. She said that they are finding that ovarian cancer starts in the tubes and that taking those would lower my risk for that. She wanted to leave both of my ovaries so that I would not go into menopause at the age of 29. I asked if she could remove the left one since I generally have pain on that side. She agreed that if it looked bad, she would take that one, as well as the right, if it too looked bad. Fortunately, no lymph nodes would need to be removed.

Grieving and Fear

I cried and felt a great loss. I have known for a while that I would probably not be having anymore kids because mine are already 11 and almost 10. However, lately I had been questioning if I would want more kids in my 30's. We had ours so young and they were not planned. I wondered what it would be like to have a baby while being financially stable, planned, and older. We were not financially stable when we had Tristen & Bonnie, hell, we still lived with our parents. I had mentioned it to my husband about possible future kids, but he had told me that he did not want anymore.You see, we had planned for him to get a vasectomy when I got my IUD out. I had it taken out in October 2014 during a laparoscopy. It had made me feel sad that he would not want anymore, and I questioned myself as to why I felt sad about this if I didn't want anymore? Did I want another baby? Could I deal with starting all over? Would that take away from giving Bonnie and Tristen everything that we could financially?

Fate took the decision to have anymore kids away from me. I grieved for something I had never even decided. I felt a deep loss over the choice of having anymore kids being taken away from me. I wasn't even sure what I wanted, but it hurt so bad to realize that even if I did want another child, I would never have that. My friends and family told me that adoption is always a choice or that I could freeze my eggs and get a surrogate. My sisters - my soulmates, offered to surrogate in the future if we did decide that we wanted more kids. How lucky am I to have that offered? I realize I am extremely blessed to have that kind of love and support in my life, however, I feel that I could not adopt or have a surrogate, I need the connection and experience of carrying a child.

Reality told me to quit crying- I already have two kids. Some people can never have any on their own. I know this is true, again I am very lucky. I feel a newfound sympathy for women who want children and can not have them. It was a strong internal battle to grieve and to quit feeling sorry for myself.

Not only was I grieving, but a new fear came over me; what if my husband decides that he wants more kids in a few years and he's stuck with me, a barren woman. What if he leaves me for someone else who can give him what he wants? What if he cheats on me and gets someone else pregnant? What if he stops finding me attractive because one of the things that makes me a woman is gone? Fear took over.
I cried and cried when telling my husband my fears. He hugged me and told me that he knew that he didn't want anymore kids and that  he knew it was not something that he would change his mind on. He also told me that I'm not going to be less of a woman and that I was dumb to think he'd cheat.

Everyday, including the day of the surgery, I asked him "Are you sure you don't want anymore kids?"
And everyday he said "Yes baby, I'm sure."

Support

My sisters and friend Jessica went all out with decorations, games, and planning for a uterus eviction party on Sunday, August 9. I had a blast! Everyone brought an appetizer, there was a bloody mary bar, an amazing cake, fun games, and they even surprised me with recovery gifts. My heart felt full realizing that I had an amazing support system. Thank you Stacey, Lisa, Jessica, Wendy, Heather, Lori, Angela, Deborah, Mom, & Jerri for being there for me and showering me with love and support. This party lifted my spirits extremely and made me feel okay for the first time about my fate. 

Surgery Day

August 10, the day of the surgery came. My husband held my hand while we waited and was very comforting telling me that it was going to be okay. When I got into a room, I got rushed to get ready - my surgery had been moved up. I had someone asking me questions while someone started me an IV. I also had a guy trying to draw blood from my IV, but he could not get enough so he had to draw blood from my other arm. I had stockings up and some massaging leg wraps put on. My hair was put into a blue cap, then my Dr came in and asked if I had any questions. After that the OR nurse asked me questions then put a relaxer into my IV. It kicked in instantly. They wheeled me to OR and the nurse asked Blake if he wanted to say goodbye. Blake said no, I'll see her soon. The last thing I remember it being put on the OR table and asking if I needed to move over some, then they told me they were putting medicine in my IV to put me to sleep. I awoke in recovery and had 3 doses of pain meds put into my IV. Through the haze I heard a nurse saying that Blake was asking if I was okay. Finally I got wheeled into my room and got to see Blake! He said he was getting nervous because I got taken back around 12:30 and it was 4:00 and that he had seen people who got into the waiting room after him, leave before him. He kept asking if I needed anything and if I was okay. My first drink was ice water and apple juice. I kept sleeping off and on and woke up feeling nauseated and in pain. The nurse put phenagren into my IV and gave me crackers to eat so that I could take a double dose of vicodin. I passed out of course. My mouth was so dry that the crackers kept getting stuck in it. The nurse said that I could go home that night if I could pee 100CC. After drinking a lot of water and apple juice, I felt like I could get some pee out, so I hobbled to the bathroom, where Blake made me keep the door open in case something happened. I sat there for what felt like an eternity and I could not pee. Disappointed, I got back into bed. I felt bad because I knew that Blake was hungry but he wouldn't leave my side. The nurse brought me some cranberry juice and after drinking that, I was finally about to pee, just enough. We left the hospital at 8 and picked up niko niko's gyros to go. My first meal in over 18 hours! I ate and slept off and on on the car ride home. 

Recovery

The first night, I woke up every 2-3 hours having to pee and hurting. The second night, I woke up once. The third night, once.

I can not begin to give enough credit to my husband. He took off of work for every Dr appointment and held my hand through everything. He reassured me countless times that he will still love me without my uterus and that we will be okay without anymore kids. He told me many times that he would be right by my side. Throughout my recovery he has been beyond amazing. He has woken up with me and brought me to the bathroom every 2 hours in the middle of the night. He has helped me get in and out of bed and in and out of the recliner. He has dressed me and washed my body for me. He has cooked every meal for me and made my coffee every morning. He has prefixed me breakfast and lunch everyday. He has been everything I have needed him to be during my recovery. I feel love and cherished. I feel like things will be okay.

I am on my 4th day of recovery and things are slowly getting better. I have not had to worry once about my kids because they are staying with my older sister this week. I am so thankful for all of the support and love that I have received during this time.

 Oh, and today just so happens to be my 12 year dating anniversary with Blake. <3